Blood Stains and Spirit Gum: Part Four

Well, thank Jeebus that's over. The past two weekends as a zombie at a haunted theme park were not as bad as the first. After the first weekend, instead of being a "park roamer" I was demoted to "attraction actor". It was a demotion, but it was way more fun. Mostly because the assholes have to keep walking so if they're going to harass you, they can't harass you for very long. It's much better. I spent one night in the corn maze and four nights in the haunted forest. My evening in the corn was spent next to a speaker broadcasting this message: "We're watching you (watchingyouwatchingyouwatchingyou). We've been waiting for (waiting for) you (waitingforyouwaitingforyou). Stay with us (staystaywithus)." Repeat. For 6 hours. Also, I don't think I've ever heard so much cursing. Especially with a thick Minnesota accent involved. "Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh, shit!" It was like being in Fargo. My favorite was a woman I jumped out at and she yelled "Jesus! Is good!"

Full moon + wicked tall corn = total awesomeness

Friday night was horrible. I had gotten some horrifying news just minutes before I had to go, and spent most of the time in between groups sobbing quietly to myself behind a polystyrene tombstone. Not a good time.

But then there was Saturday night. There was still occasional quiet sobbing, but Saturday night was the best, all thanks to a big, burly guy who I scared nearly into unconsciousness without even trying.

I was hiding behind a wall when this fellow runs up ahead of his friends and jumps behind the wall, right next to me. This did not look like a guy who would be easily scared. He reminded me of 50 Cent. I assumed he was going to try and scare the group of people he was with. I also assumed that he saw I was there. Clearly, he didn't, because when I turned to offer assistance, he looked at me and screamed like a little girl. He turned to run away from me, but unfortunately he just bounced off of the board that was supporting the wall. He fell to the ground flat on his back but quickly stood up to take off in a new direction.. Only this time he tripped over a log on the ground. He did a sort of awkward somersault, got to his feet, and ran across the path to the woods on the other side, did a loop back on to the path, and then sat down right in the center of it looking confused. By the way, the little girl screaming noises continued right up until he fell on his ass on the path. His now hysterical friends caught up to him. They collected him off of the ground, and all continued on their way. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I'm really not a mean-spirited person, but I swear to the moon and back that you would've laughed if you'd seen it.

I got in one other pretty good scare, also without meaning to. I had my face pressed between two boards in a fence, and a girl came up and started stroking my nose. There is a very strict "don't touch the actors" policy at most haunted houses, so I reminded her of this. She screamed and ran away. Fast. I guess she though I was a mannequin.

I would consider doing it again, maybe somewhere closer to home. The 40 minute drive was pretty inconvenient. All in all, though I complained about the experience a lot, I realize now that I am looking back on it with fondness. So, go figure.

xx