Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver

15 September, 2010

Memories in 140 characters or less

So, Twitter has been having some issues with people's tweets displaying correctly. For example, in July, I went from having 65 tweets, to 35 tweets, to 17 tweets, to 10 tweets. Well, now I'm back at a solid 102. Mind you, I only have 10 followers, so I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who noticed. I was reading through them, and they made me laugh out loud. And they kind of broke my heart. Because, you see, lots of them are quotes and musings from my job at Seeds and they made me miss my kids so much more than I already do. I still think about those munchkins everyday.

Serious little Mateo. Chloe the diva. Mo the whiner. Slowpoke Eme. Brilliant Olive. Orin the Star Wars expert. Wild Mhina. There were some others before them that I got to say my goodbyes to. Huey, Kian, Cecil, Rosey, Makai, Ana, Henry. But I ache for the ones that I didn't get to hug goodbye. I didn't get to tell them what absolute pleasures and delights they were to take care of. Oh, I miss them.

When she fired me, did Chrys know what she was taking away from me? For not giving those kids, or myself, any closure? When you're one or two or three, the people at your daycare are a sizable portion of your acquaintances. What did those kids think when I just suddenly wasn't there anymore? Will I always cry when I think about them for more than a few moments?

I mean, I seem to have A LOT of emotional baggage about this (obviously, what with this whole thing being about six months in the past). Like, more than is normal, probably. But maybe not. I loved those kids. I still love them.

Another level of complication is added by the fact that Chrys and I were good friends. I mean, I thought we were (well, that was melodramatic). And there are some days when I want to see her and ask her "What the fuck were you thinking?" There are other days when I really just kind of want to be her friend again...because I miss her, too. But not enough to forgive her.

Perhaps what I need to do is to turn this heavy baggage into something else. Maybe I should just be grateful that I had these kids in my life for a couple years. I had the privilege of taking care of them, playing with them, kissing their owies, and holding them while they slept. That transition may be easier said than done. I think my baggage is lost at the airport right now.

Sigh. Sweet dreams, always, kiddos.

1 comment:

Kate said...

Sorry you're so sad. Sweet little faces... I bet you do miss them every day. Hugs.